life after

Yard sales are hard.

Sun, 19 May 2013 15:40:45 -0400

Yard sales are hard.

another terrible first

Sun, 19 May 2013 10:50:29 -0400

we had a trip to the e.r. friday night. dane was bouncing on a trampoline at our friend’s house and came down hard on his ankle.

i didn’t see it happen but i heard the crying…which is nothing new so i wasn’t alarmed. i was more annoyed. danny and i both tried to get him to stop crying by threatening the doctor, which actually worked for a while.

he ate very little dinner and then began crying all over again and then he let me look at his ankle and it was the size of a baseball.

we left our dinner party and headed to the e.r. where dane was such a champ. no tears at all and he even had a sense of humor. i was so proud of him.

he’s doing great so far. lots of movies and rest.

today, maybe

Tue, 14 May 2013 12:34:53 -0400

danny gets back today or tonight or in the middle of the night or whenever he gets here.

it has been a long two weeks and i miss him so much. and the kids do too.

he is going to be so surprised to see how much they’ve grown and how much cassady “talks” now.

but mostly he’ll be surprised at this:

our new kitchen looks like a dream. i am so happy.

mother’s day. i am always alone on mother’s day...

Mon, 13 May 2013 23:13:55 -0400

mother’s day.

i am always alone on mother’s day because danny travels this time every year. mother’s day has never been a special feeling kind of day. neither good nor bad, just a regular day.

but this one was somehow different.

i had such a lovely day with the kids. every time dane did something funny, cassady dissolved into giggles. dane hugged me lots, then upon seeing this, cassady would come to me and smile and laugh and hug me too. they played with cars and ran in the sprinkler and dug in the dirt. we had ice cream and went on a bike ride.

i felt extreme gratitude for these little people and would be totally, completely lost without them.

my wish is for them to always know this.

This is the massive mission that lies before me. Put all this...

Sat, 11 May 2013 03:37:36 -0400

This is the massive mission that lies before me. Put all this shit back.

the sun'll come out tomorrow

Fri, 10 May 2013 02:13:36 -0400

for a number of weeks i had been coaching this special little girl for her annie audition in the hopes that she’d crush it, kill it dead. she totally did and she OF COURSE won the role.

tonight was the show and dane and i had a special date to go see her performance.

dane asked a myriad of questions in his regular voice throughout the show. questions such as, why is everyone calling eva ‘annie’? where is eva’s hair? why is it so dark? this is taking a long time.

but the hardest one to answer, and the one that he was most fixated on was, why is that lady (miss hannigan) so mean? i tried to explain it so many ways but in the end, i said, because she’s a greedy drunk. that seemed to satisfy him.

but perhaps the most important part of the whole evening was the fact that dane chose his outfit. behold, sparkly pants intended for an 18 month old, paired with a soft silk shirt from thailand, topped with a shiny dragon embroidered robe also from thailand.

i have been begging him for TWO YEARS to even at the very least lounge around the house in that robe.

in this one, you can almost see the dragon on the back.

dane in all his sweetness and happiness. this was a night to remember.

dane’s into yoga poses and rhyming these days. he called...

Wed, 08 May 2013 22:20:27 -0400

dane’s into yoga poses and rhyming these days. he called this one “mountain rock cock” pose.

and i giggled so hard that i took a blurry picture.

my house is a pit. a complete and utter pit of filth and chaos. i’m officially over it....

Tue, 07 May 2013 21:51:00 -0400

my house is a pit. a complete and utter pit of filth and chaos. i’m officially over it. i’m officially at the end of the already weathered and worn rope.

on the bright side, our contractor says i can move back into the kitchen by this weekend.

that is a very bright side, made a little less bright because the hubs is out of town.

yet, all the other things are overwhelming me. the piles of crap everywhere. i cant even deal with it. the filthy layer of filth and muck on every object. it all feels extremely daunting.

on two other bright sides, i think i am getting high from the sealer fumes and i also got dane to eat spinach tonight by telling him it gives him muscles.

this is him trying to prove that theory.

with this glorious weather we’ve been having, it has been...

Mon, 06 May 2013 22:57:48 -0400

with this glorious weather we’ve been having, it has been so hard to stick to the usual bedtime.

i was going to call this a bath but then cassady pooped in the grass and rolled around in it resulting in a shake-n-baked baby.

look what i got at target today. i’m returning him...

Mon, 06 May 2013 22:54:21 -0400

look what i got at target today.

i’m returning him tomorrow morning because he’s contaminated. green shit keeps coming out of his nose and and he gave me a cough.

i did get some cute pillows, though. i’m keeping them.

The impossible

Mon, 06 May 2013 02:52:03 -0400

I just cried a tsunami of tears watching that damn film.

We just got home from such a glorious day of being out and...

Sat, 04 May 2013 01:25:20 -0400

We just got home from such a glorious day of being out and about. We spent all day outside and all evening at a lovely party where Cassady ate everything in sight while Dane was out of my hair for about 2 solid hours.

I guess he’s making up for that now with the sobbing about his crocodile which is in the car which I am not getting because I am pantless.

Did I mention it’s 10:32? 3 hours past his bedtime.

Update: he just bumped his head and he’s officially crazy. I think he’s speaking in tongues.

He better sleep in until 11:00 tomorrow.

delightful night

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 19:00:31 -0400

i’ve been feeling super tired/weary lately. i think i’m staying up too late and spending all my time with 2 small children. a draining combo. also, i’m eating every “breakfast” at the local bakery while our kitchen is being worked on. heavy food=sluggishness=tight pants.

last night danny suggested we all ride bikes to the nearby mexican restaurant and have margaritas the size of our faces. i hesitated because the kids already ate, they were tired, i was tired, they’d have to skip a bath, etc.

but as soon as i got on the bike and looked around at my happy little family riding bikes in the warm evening air, i felt energized.

we had a great time cracking up at dane trying out his southern accent. cassady and dane both ate multiple quesadillas and the grown ups drank giant margaritas.

sometimes you just gotta ignore yourself and get outside.

with margaritas, of course.

We had to test out the red lipstick

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 23:50:15 -0400

We had to test out the red lipstick

I think that Fridays will henceforth be known as the day we...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 23:43:07 -0400

I think that Fridays will henceforth be known as the day we gather in Audrey’s park and drink bubbly things while trying on red lipstick and watch our kids try not to kill each other while sword fighting and bike riding.

It has a certain ring to it.

Thank goodness the weather has been so great during this kitchen...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 23:40:57 -0400

Thank goodness the weather has been so great during this kitchen renovation. Lots of outside time and very little inside/computer time.

i need a face transplant

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 16:01:09 -0400

last night we went out to dinner and our server (a guy in his 60’s) said upon hearing that i am 39 years old, said: “wow! i would never have guessed that. i’d have guessed 37 or something.”

nope. no. NO. that is not the right answer. it couldn’t be wronger.

then today, i was getting my nails done and chose really bright colors to which the nail guy said: “very bright.” i said, “yeah, like spring.”

then he said, “like teenager.”

i’m going to start telling people i’m 47.

another first

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:36:20 -0400

remember when your child took his first steps? had his first taste of ice cream? gave you your first unsolicited hug?

how about your first “if you don’t buckle me in, then i’m gonna punch you in the face”?

ah, childhood. i’m gonna punch YOU in the face, childhood.

don't read if you're on the fence about having kids

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 23:02:53 -0400

in the last few days i have lost and found my wallet, carried a shit-filled diaper in my purse, smashed my phone and almost called child protective services on myself, all the while living in a swirling mass of chaos called a kitchen renovation.

yeah, i know, POOR ME, I GET TO HAVE A WHOLE NEW KITCHEN. WAAAAAHWAAAAAH.

but in all my years of parenting dane, this morning was the most horrendous.

i thought we were out of the woods. out of the asshat three’s. i have really been enjoying dane these last few months. but this morning, it all hit the fan. i was in a hurry. dane was upset because he had spilled his cereal. i would not go get him more. he cried/whined so much about this that what little cereal was left in his bowl got soggy, thus causing him to cry/whine* ever louder.

*for the purposes of expediting this story i will coin a new word “CRINE”.

so i tossed the cereal down the sink. LOTS more crining. i demanded he get dressed. he refused. his body going boneless at every turn. i threw him hard into his room and threatened to leave him at home with our contractor. more crining. at this point i was so very late for everything. i was pulsing with anger. IT’S MOTHERFUCKING CEREAL.

i asked him through the door with an angry tone, was he ready to talk and get dressed now? his mouth said yes but his actions said FUCK YOU MOMMY.

more battling to get the clothes on. this is where i was really out of control. pinning his four year old bean pole of a body down, over and over while he kicked out of his underwear.

did i mention that cassady was crying at the sight of all this? and at this point there was no crining, only full on crying/sobbing/hyperventilating but by some miracle, i managed to get him dressed and out the door. my friend audrey came to meet me and i burst into tears, feeling wretched and breathless and totally inept. she, the incredible mother of five, consoled me and assured me that it was ok. it would all be ok.

it was, in fact, ok. he was fine at school, according to his teacher. but tonight, at bedtime he was testing me, pressing his boundaries. crining about reading a different book, me threatening to take away all his stuffed animals if he didn’t lie down.

i’m chalking it up to all the travel. all the not enough sleep. but mostly i’m chalking it up to a big fat glass of wine and a bag of jelly bellies, for me.

oh, and stock piling birth control pills.

me: dane, you’ve had a hard time listening to me today. dane: yeah, i have, because i...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 22:34:25 -0400

me: dane, you’ve had a hard time listening to me today.

dane: yeah, i have, because i can’t hear you.

now it’s all so clear.